Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
