I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
