Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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