Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
