sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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