My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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