im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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