I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
