U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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