You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
