seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
