Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
