i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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