Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
