Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
