i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
