i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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