I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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