Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
