I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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