Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
