My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
