Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
