You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just gift wrapped bread.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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