All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
