is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
