i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
