I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
