at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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