Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
