Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
