Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
