if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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