Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
