I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
