I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
jump out the window naked night went bad
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
