She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
