my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
