After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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