3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
