I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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