why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
