i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
