I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
