Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
