Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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