Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
