Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
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