That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
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