I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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